How I’m tackling rising energy costs

If you’re anything like me, you might be starting to think a bit more about the energy you consume. Or more to the point, the cost of consuming it.

Unless you’ve been living on Mars these past few months, you’ll know that energy bills are going up significantly this year. That’s all we need! If you’re interested, here are some tips on making your heating more efficient, plus another cost-saving tip here.

With all this in mind, it’s time to tighten our belts, so I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands and cut those bills – much to the annoyance of my family.

First off: I rustled through everyone’s wardrobes and found them all jumpers to wear. Rule being, unless it drops to -5C or below, the heating remains off.
Naturally, I’ve put a combination padlock on the thermostat. Only I know the code. Ha!

I’ve also bought everyone a little torch to wear around their necks.
Some may say I’m going a tad too far, but I’ve also put bumps in the carpet so people can feel their way around in the dark. I’m determined to keep those lights off.
The way I see it: if it’s dark, go to bed… with a jumper, obviously.

As far as I’m concerned, hot water is a luxury for the time being.
Fairy Liquid works wonders with the washing up, no need for hot water there. Cold works perfectly well.

Cold showers (so I’ve heard) are brilliant for your heart and blood circulation.
Quite frankly, I’m doing my family a favour by refusing them hot water. They don’t hang about in the bathroom anymore, that’s for sure. Get in, get washed, get out.

For those of you who think I’m overdoing things, my family are in complete agreement with you. In fact, my partner, Charlotte, says I’m worse than Scrooge.
And my daughters keep asking when ‘nice daddy’ is coming home.

We don’t need the TV on. Everything has been unplugged. And I’ve told them, if you need entertainment, read a book… by candlelight. Or sing to each other.

I know, these measures do seem harsh. It’s only temporary though… a year or two.
But for those of you who are concerned about the lack of a warm and cosy homelife, it’s okay. I stay in a nice hotel for the best part of each week.

On the downside, I’m starting to feel a little resentment from Charlotte and the girls.
I do my best to set an example and share the pain. But I must confess, it did recently backfire.

I came home the other night; it was pitch black… couldn’t see a thing.
I removed my shoes and stepped through the doorway. Suddenly, I could feel someone tugging violently at my neck. It was terrifying. I shouted out for help… no one came. Where were they all? Then I felt an almighty pain in my feet, like a thousand knives driving through my soles – I began to feel faint. To make matters worse, I could now feel someone on my back. Someone very bony.

Then, what seemed like an eternity later, a light began shining brightly into my eyes – temporarily blinding me and advancing my disoriented state. Who was it? What was going to happen next? Gratefully, and after much confusion, I realised it was Charlotte. She shouted at me that I was a ‘total moron’ and grabbed the coat stand that had become caught up in my neck torch’s lanyard. I’d nearly hanged myself. I could have sworn I was being attacked.

She then pointed angrily to a tonne of loose Lego strewn across the floor. That explained the knives then. Her mood began to soften, and she told me to go and have a lie down on the sofa. She could see I was in shock.

Switching the hallway light back off, and with her torch in hand, she carefully staggered to the kitchen whilst asking if I would like a nice cup of coffee. Ooh, lovely… ‘yes’, I said.
As I lay there, trying to get warm, she entered the room holding my favourite mug – the one with a picture of a plunger on it.

She handed me the cup, I held it between my sheepskin mittens and took a big sip.
It was cold. She watched my startled reaction, grinned, and then went off to bed.

I decided it would be best to stay put and go to sleep.
The next morning the kids came downstairs and woke me up… with a bucket of ice-cold water to the face.

The moral of this story: just pay the bloody energy bill.

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